creative shortcomings (this is my first blog)

so i am an art major...why?



it really makes no sense to study anything artistic or unconventional because all they do is demand creativity with a deadline. how does that actually work? i don't get it...still. maybe i'm just not cut out for this. i hope i'm cut out for something. i really just want to lie in my bed these days.



i've been singing with eyes of the elders and stump dickens for the past few weeks. it's sooo much fun! i hope it continues to go well.



i think 70 is a good temperature...right? maybe we could just leave it there. turning the air on and off makes it have to run harder and uses more energy. also...the windows being open when it is on isn't good...money and energy out the window. my dad would kill me if he knew that was happening. :) oohhh daddy...i miss you.



audrey is getting better, i think. i feel bad that we don't have more time to spend with her and play with her. that's why i've never gotten a dog before. i think liz has kinda turned into mommy. her and juan take her to the park and petsmart, they play with her alot and buy her toys. she's soooo cute! we all love her.



i feel really weird lately...confused, tired, lonely, down, but with bursts of excitement and lots of good things....i guess those moments are fleeting though. i want to be close to everyone...it's hard when sometimes people won't let you in. i know i'm not being very good at that these days...so i guess i'm a hypocrite. it's weird not being sure about your feelings; it so much reminds me of high school. i've thought i had so much figured out since i've been in college, but i think i just had something constant (kyle) to keep me feeling stable. it's nice to have something you are able to rely on and know you feel strongly for. i thought that would be forever...so it's a bit discomforting to have to rebuild my strength right now. i don't even really have the will or energy to do so. i think lately i just hate feeling anything at all. maybe i'm depressed? shouldn't the medicine i started taking make that change? i don't even know if i feel different at all from it...i just know it makes me have very vivid and crazy dreams. lots of them have been about kyle leaving me. lots of them are about someone in my family getting hurt. it is obvious that those are the things i've held so close to my heart. now it just hurts. i don't want to hurt anymore. how do i move on?

i guess i have to want to first. i don't really want to do anything though. no school. no work. no talking. no moving. i know better than that though.

is this too much? i just felt like writing...am i doing this right though? this is my first blog